My Global Warming Resolutions

By Elmer Beauregard

Well its 2009 and its time to think of some resolutions, I guess. So here is a list of things I resolve to do in 2009, I'll keep it short so its easier to achieve and set reachable goals, otherwise what's the point.

Every year I resolve to lose those pesky 10 (or 20) extra pounds, to no avail.
This year I resolve to be OK with the way I look, plus that extra weight comes in handy when its -20º.

I resolve in 2009 to START smoking, seeings how they banned it in Minnesota last year. By smoking I will emit quite a bit more of the deadly CO2 into the atmosphere than I normally exhale. But the trees would love it, and it will be good for the economy in these tough economic times, and think of all the taxes it will generate for the state. Plus, if the state banned it, it must be good.

Buy a Hummer.

And I resolve to figure out why oil pumping stations are considered an eyesore but thousands of giant 400' wind generators aren't. Maybe it would help if the oil rigs were made to look like those big tacky sculptures you see at the edge of small towns, only animated. Make one look like a giant Mosquito, which they look like anyway, and have it stinging the earth, or a big Prairie Chicken pecking the ground or Paul Bunyan splitting wood.

ANIMATED GIF WARNING!